If you’re a foster or adoptive mom—or someone supporting these families—you’ve probably heard some version of this: “You’re doing amazing just surviving.” And while that’s often true and well-meaning, there’s something underneath that message that can start to feel a little suffocating.

Because surviving isn’t the goal. It’s the baseline.

Somewhere along the way, many of us started believing that asking for more than survival—peace, joy, rest, clarity, support—made us ungrateful. Or unrealistic. Or selfish. But I want to say this as clearly as I can:

It’s not only okay to want more than surviving—it’s brave. It’s necessary. And it’s what you deserve.

In this post, I want to unpack why so many foster mamas feel stuck in survival mode, what “more” actually looks like, and how we begin to give ourselves permission to receive it.

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The Survival Cycle No One Talks About

Foster care puts you on high alert from day one.

You’re parenting a child who’s experienced trauma. You’re fielding caseworker calls, court updates, visit schedules, school issues, and behavioral spirals. You’re loving hard while holding boundaries. You’re doing sacred, exhausting work.

And in the process, your own needs slowly fall to the bottom of the list.

Survival mode starts to feel normal. You tell yourself things like:

• “This is just a season.”

• “It could be worse.”

• “At least they’re safe.”

• “I should be grateful.”

Those are all true—and yet, they can also be quietly harming you if they keep you from asking for help or reaching for more.

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Why We Settle for ‘Fine’

Most foster moms don’t consciously choose to live in burnout. It’s something we slide into while trying to hold everyone else together. We tell ourselves:

• “Everyone’s counting on me.”

• “If I stop, everything falls apart.”

• “No one else understands this life anyway.”

And worst of all:

• “This is just what foster care is supposed to feel like.”

But friend, it doesn’t have to be this way.

You are allowed to want more than:

• Getting through the day

• Avoiding meltdown triggers

• Going to bed emotionally depleted

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What ‘More’ Actually Looks Like

Wanting more doesn’t mean you’re trying to be a Pinterest mom or pretend things aren’t hard. It means you’re making room for life beyond constant reaction.

More looks like:

• Waking up and not dreading the day ahead

• Having language to respond calmly in chaotic moments

• Feeling confident setting boundaries with caseworkers, schools, or family

• Having a safe space to be honest about how heavy this is

• Laughing again

• Letting someone else pour into you

You don’t have to choose between showing up for your child and showing up for yourself.

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Why You Might Feel Guilty for Wanting More

If you’ve internalized the belief that foster parenting is “supposed to be hard,” then any desire for ease, support, or clarity can feel like you’re doing something wrong.

But let me tell you this:

• Wanting regulated mornings doesn’t mean you don’t accept your child’s needs.

• Wanting peace doesn’t mean you’re ignoring trauma.

• Wanting support doesn’t mean you’re weak.

It means you’re human. And you’re trying to stay whole while doing some of the most emotionally complex work there is.

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What Help Actually Looks Like

This is where most foster moms get stuck. They know they need help, but they don’t know what kind of help will actually make a difference.

Help that actually helps is:

• Trauma-informed

• Judgment-free

• Built for this specific kind of parenting

• Flexible enough to work in your real life

That’s why I created the Foster Mama Lifeline community. It’s not therapy. It’s not coaching. It’s not another checklist.

It’s a space where you get:

• Weekly calming tools and scripts

• A weekly live support call on Zoom

• Community from other moms who get it

• No pressure to perform, fix, or prove anything

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What Happens When You Say Yes to More

I’ve seen it happen again and again: A foster mama starts using one of the scripts. Or she joins the weekly call. Or she finally tells someone the truth about how she’s feeling.

And it shifts everything.

Not because her life suddenly gets easier. But because she realizes—she doesn’t have to do it alone.

She starts showing up differently.
She catches her breath.
She finds space for joy again.

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Final Thoughts

If you’ve been stuck in survival mode, I want you to hear me:

You are not doing it wrong.
You are not weak for feeling overwhelmed.
And you are absolutely allowed to want more than just making it through the day.

Wanting more is the beginning of receiving more.

It’s okay to want support.
It’s okay to want calm.
It’s okay to want joy.

And I’m here to help you get there.

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Ready to take a step toward more?
Download the free First 5 Scripts for Foster Parents, or explore the Foster Mama Lifeline for ongoing, judgment-free support.

You don’t have to settle for surviving.
Let’s build something better—together.

With love,
Cathleen