There’s a kind of loneliness that doesn’t have a name.

It’s the quiet ache of being a foster mom and realizing that no one else quite gets it — not your extended family, not the other moms at school pickup, not even your closest friends. It’s a specific kind of solitude that settles in your bones and shows up in the spaces where you long for understanding, but find blank stares or well-meaning but unhelpful platitudes instead.

This is the loneliness of foster motherhood — and today I want to name it, honor it, and remind you that you’re not the only one sitting in it.

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Why Foster Motherhood Can Feel So Isolating

At the surface, foster parenting might look like regular parenting with extra paperwork. But we both know it’s far more than that.

Foster moms live in a constant state of emotional tension:

• You love a child who may not be staying.

• You nurture a relationship with bio family members who might not reciprocate.

• You parent with your heart wide open while navigating a system that can feel cold and confusing.

• You grieve transitions no one else sees as losses.

And because of confidentiality laws, trauma triggers, and the stigma still surrounding foster care, many foster moms keep these struggles to themselves. It’s not that we don’t want to share. It’s that often, we simply can’t — or don’t feel safe to.

Even when we do try to explain, we’re met with comments like:

• “I could never do what you do — I’d get too attached.”

• “Well, at least you knew what you were signing up for.”

• “That must be so rewarding.”

It’s no wonder so many of us start to wonder: Am I the only one who feels like this?

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The Truth Behind the Highlight Reels

I know you’ve seen the feel-good Instagram reels of reunifications and happy adoptions. They’re beautiful. They’re inspiring. And they’re also incomplete.

What you don’t always see is:

• The bio mom who ghosted after saying she wanted contact.

• The child who struggles to attach, no matter how hard you try.

• The visits that left your child dysregulated for days.

• The goodbye you had to say — the one that broke your heart but no one else even acknowledged.

These are the in-between moments. The ones where you’re folding laundry through tears, driving home from therapy appointments wondering if anything is helping, or celebrating a child’s birthday while knowing you may not be there for the next one.

It’s in those moments that the loneliness roars.

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How We Push Through (Even When It Feels Too Heavy)

I want to gently offer you some truths that might help you carry that weight. Not because they’ll erase the loneliness — but because they may remind you that you are not alone in it.

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1. Community is Essential (Even If You Have to Build It)

You need people who understand foster care without explanation. People who know what it’s like to get that call, to hear that update, to say yes again when your heart hasn’t fully healed.

If you don’t have that in your everyday life, build it.
Join a support group, an online space like the Foster Mama Lifeline, or even just DM a foster mom on Instagram and start a conversation.

One brave “me too” can change everything.

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2. Grieve What No One Sees

Grief is not reserved for death. Foster moms grieve all the time — children who leave, connections that were never made, milestones we miss, outcomes we hoped for that didn’t come to pass.

You are allowed to grieve.

Create a ritual. Write a letter. Light a candle. Say the names. Feel the loss. Let yourself be human.

You are not weak for feeling it — you are strong for carrying it with love.

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3. Boundaries Are Not Optional

You are not the savior. You are the support.
You are not the system. You are the safe place.

Set boundaries around your time, your mental health, your energy, and your emotional labor. Say no when you need to. Ask for respite. Protect your peace.

Foster care is too heavy a burden to carry without sacred space for yourself.

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4. Keep Telling the Truth (Even If It’s Just to Yourself)

Loneliness grows in silence. When you keep swallowing your feelings — when you minimize the impact foster care is having on you — it doesn’t make you stronger. It makes you feel smaller, more hidden, more tired.

Find a way to name what’s real. Say it out loud. Journal it. Text a friend. Tell your therapist. Share in a safe space. You don’t have to blast it all over the internet, but you do need a space to be real.

Start with this:

“This is hard. I love this child. I don’t know what comes next. And I’m scared.”

That’s not weakness — that’s courage.

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5. Let Yourself Be Supported Too

You are holding a lot. You show up for kids, bio families, caseworkers, therapists, and teachers — but who shows up for you?

It’s not indulgent to invest in your own care — it’s necessary.

That might mean joining a community like the Foster Mama Lifeline, scheduling a 1:1 support call, or even just using a tool like the Emergency Support Hotline when things feel like too much.

You were never meant to do this alone.

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Final Thoughts

Foster motherhood is lonely not because you’re doing it wrong — but because our culture still doesn’t know how to hold space for complicated caregiving.

You’re not broken. You’re not too emotional. You’re not too much.

You are navigating something incredibly hard with your whole heart.

And while the world may not always understand, I promise you this:

There is a community of foster moms who do get it. Who will sit with you in the messy middle. Who will remind you why you said yes. Who will help you stay soft when you want to harden.

You are not alone.

And you are so, so loved.

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Want more support?

🌀 Join the Foster Mama Lifeline Community
📱 Text or Vox me through the Emergency Support Hotline
💌 Or just reply to this post — I’d love to hear what resonated.