If you’re reading this, chances are you know what it feels like to be in the thick of foster care — a swirl of caseworker calls, visitation updates, trauma triggers, and parenting challenges that can make even the most grounded person feel like they’re coming undone.

I see you.
I’ve been you.
And I know that finding calm in the chaos of foster care isn’t about pretending the chaos isn’t there — it’s about learning how to create a soft place to land in the middle of it.

Today, I want to share some of the most powerful ways I’ve found to anchor myself (and the families I support) in peace, even when nothing else feels steady. Because you don’t have to “be okay” all the time to be a good foster mom. You just have to find small ways to care for yourself in the middle of the mess.

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Why Foster Care Feels So Overwhelming

Before we dive into the strategies, let’s take a breath and name why this is so hard.

Foster care isn’t like other kinds of parenting. You’re parenting children whose stories didn’t start with you — children who are navigating grief, loss, and confusion in ways that can break your heart. You’re also managing a system that can be unpredictable, unfair, and exhausting.

On any given day, you might be dealing with:

• Behaviors that are trauma-driven, not defiance

• Emotional whiplash from bio family visits

• Court dates and case updates you have no control over

• Feeling judged by strangers (or even people you love) who don’t understand

• The quiet, constant ache of not knowing what tomorrow will bring

If you’ve ever thought, “I can’t keep going like this,” you’re not alone.
This work is sacred, but it’s also relentless.

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The Myth of the Calm, “Put-Together” Foster Mom

Let’s get this out of the way:
You do not have to be calm and regulated 24/7 to be a good foster mom.

You’re allowed to feel stressed, angry, sad, or completely over it sometimes.
What matters is not perfection — it’s having small practices that bring you back to yourself when everything else feels unsteady.

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How to Find Calm in the Middle of the Chaos

Here are some of the practices and mindsets that have made the biggest difference for me and the foster mamas I work with:

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1️⃣ Name What’s True

One of the quickest ways to find calm in chaos is to simply say out loud what’s true.

• “This is really hard right now.”

• “I feel totally overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do next.”

• “I love this child, but I’m struggling.”

When you name what’s true, you give yourself permission to stop pretending. You stop wasting energy trying to hold it together for everyone else — and start giving yourself the same compassion you give your kids.

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2️⃣ Breathe Like You Mean It

This might sound cliché, but breathwork is one of the fastest ways to calm your nervous system — which is constantly on high alert in foster care.

Try this:

• Inhale for 4 counts

• Hold for 4 counts

• Exhale for 8 counts

Do this 3-5 times when you feel your shoulders creeping up to your ears. It’s a small thing, but it sends a message to your body: “We’re safe right now. We can soften.”

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3️⃣ Create a Daily “Reset Ritual”

Foster care is full of moments that knock you off balance — but having a simple ritual can help you find your center again.

Your ritual might be:

• 10 minutes of quiet with a cup of tea

• A short walk around the block

• Journaling for 5 minutes before bed

• Listening to your favorite playlist while you fold laundry

It doesn’t have to be big or fancy — it just has to be yours.

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4️⃣ Find Your “Safe Space” People

One of the hardest parts of foster care is feeling like no one else gets it. That’s why having even one or two people you can text or call when you’re losing it can be a game-changer.

These are the people you don’t have to filter yourself around — the ones who will say, “I hear you. You’re not crazy. This is hard.”

If you don’t have those people in your real life, consider joining a support group or a trauma-informed space like my Fearless Fostering community.  Because even just knowing you’re not alone can bring so much calm.

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5️⃣ Remember: The System Is Messy — But You’re Allowed to Find Moments of Joy

It’s easy to feel like you shouldn’t enjoy yourself when everything around you is hard. But you’re allowed to find moments of joy, even in the middle of the mess.

That might mean:

• Laughing with your partner after a hard day

• Letting yourself dance in the kitchen with your kids

• Taking a night off from foster care podcasts and watching a silly movie instead

Joy doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you’re human. And your humanity matters.

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Practical Tools for Hard Moments

Here are a few practical tools you can keep in your back pocket for those days when calm feels totally out of reach:

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✅ Mantras to Ground You:

• “I am doing the best I can.”

• “I don’t have to have all the answers right now.”

• “I can be calm, even if my child isn’t.”

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✅ Movement for Stress Release:

• Shake out your hands for 30 seconds

• Take 10 slow neck rolls

• Do a few gentle stretches in your living room

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✅ The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique:

• Name 5 things you can see

• Name 4 things you can feel

• Name 3 things you can hear

• Name 2 things you can smell

• Name 1 thing you can taste

This brings you out of panic and back into your body.

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What Calm Really Looks Like in Foster Care

Let’s be real: calm doesn’t always look like meditating on a beach or sipping herbal tea in a spotless house.

Sometimes calm is:

• Taking a deep breath instead of yelling

• Putting on your kid’s favorite song and dancing it out, even if you’re tired

• Letting yourself cry in the shower and then starting fresh

• Saying “no” to something you just can’t do today

Calm in foster care isn’t about fixing everything — it’s about finding small ways to soothe your heart so you can keep showing up tomorrow.

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When You Can’t Find Calm (And That’s Okay)

Here’s something I want you to remember:
Some days, calm just isn’t possible. And that’s okay.

On those days, your job is just to breathe and survive.
You’re not failing. You’re just human.
And that’s enough.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Support, Too

If you’re feeling like calm is out of reach, or like you’re the only one struggling to hold it all together — I promise you’re not alone.

You don’t have to do this without support. You don’t have to figure it all out alone. You deserve spaces where you can lay down the weight, even if just for a moment.

That’s why I created the Fearless Fostering Program — a 6-month program for foster mamas who are ready to feel less alone, more equipped, and gently held while they do this sacred work.

Inside the program, you’ll find:

• 2x/month group coaching calls with me

• Trauma-informed tools and scripts for the real-life moments of foster care

• A luxury retreat weekend to rest, reset, and come back to yourself

• Ongoing support that doesn’t end when the class does — because this journey never really does

If your heart is saying “yes,” I’d love to walk with you the next 6 months and beyond.

👉 Learn more and apply here

We start in July, and spots are limited. If you’re ready for calm, clarity, and community — this is your time.

With so much love,
Cathleen