If you’re a foster mama, you already know this truth in your bones: foster care isn’t just parenting — it’s parenting with a thousand extra layers of worry, paperwork, heartache, and hope. Some days, it can feel like you’re juggling an emotional tornado while everyone around you is just living a “normal” life.

I’ve been there.
I am there — more often than I care to admit.
And I’ve learned over the years that while I can’t control the system, the court dates, or the behaviors that come from deep wounds, I can create small pockets of calm in the chaos.

Today, I’m sharing some of the most powerful — and simple — tools I turn to when everything feels like too much. My hope is that you’ll take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and know that you’re not alone in this messy, beautiful journey.

---

Why Calm Feels So Elusive in Foster Care

Before we get to the practical tools, let’s pause to name why this feels so hard in the first place.

Foster care brings unique stressors:

• Children’s trauma that shows up in unexpected ways

• Navigating relationships with birth families and caseworkers

• The deep grief of saying goodbye (or not knowing when that will be)

• The never-ending to-do list that comes with therapies, visits, and appointments

• Your own feelings of guilt, anger, or “not enoughness” that bubble up in the quiet moments

On top of all that? You’re still running a home, maybe working a job, and trying to keep your other kids feeling safe and loved.
It’s no wonder so many foster mamas feel like they’re always “on,” with no time to breathe.

But here’s what I want you to hear loud and clear:
You are not meant to carry it all without rest.
And you don’t have to wait until the case closes or the child goes home or everything is “stable” to find moments of peace.

---

What “Calm” Really Looks Like

When I talk about “calm,” I’m not talking about being a serene, zen-like goddess who never raises her voice or forgets to pack the lunchbox. (If you are that person, please tell me your secrets!)

For me, calm looks like:

• A single deep breath when I feel like I’m about to lose it

• Five minutes with my journal while the kids play

• A gentle reminder that I’m allowed to feel how I feel

• A text to a trusted friend who just gets it

It’s not perfection. It’s not a total absence of stress.
It’s a practice — small steps that tell my nervous system: “We’re safe. We can soften. We don’t have to be on high alert all the time.”

---

My Go-To Tools for Finding Calm

Here are some of the tools I come back to, over and over again. Feel free to borrow them, tweak them, or simply let them remind you that you deserve moments of peace, too.

---

1️⃣ 4-7-8 Breathing

This is my favorite quick fix when my heart is racing and my mind is spinning.

Here’s how it works:

• Inhale for 4 counts

• Hold for 7 counts

• Exhale for 8 counts

• Repeat 3-5 times

This slows your breathing and tells your body: “We’re safe.”
You can do it anywhere — at the kitchen sink, in the carpool line, even while you’re sitting at a meeting that’s stressing you out.

---

2️⃣ Grounding with the 5-4-3-2-1 Technique

This tool is a lifesaver when you feel disconnected or overwhelmed.

👉 5 things you can see
👉 4 things you can feel
👉 3 things you can hear
👉 2 things you can smell
👉 1 thing you can taste

It brings you back to the present moment — which is the only place calm can live.

---

3️⃣ A “Calm Down Corner” — for Me and the Kids

Foster care can be intense for everyone in the house. Having a physical space that feels safe and soothing can help.

For me, it’s a comfy chair in my bedroom with a candle and a cozy blanket.
For the kids, it might be a beanbag with fidgets and calming books.
We all need a place to land.

---

4️⃣ Journaling for 5 Minutes

I used to think I didn’t have time to journal. Now I know: I don’t have time not to.

It doesn’t have to be fancy — just a brain dump:

• “Today I feel…”

• “The hardest part right now is…”

• “What I wish I could tell someone is…”

It’s a pressure release valve for all the feelings that build up during the day.

---

5️⃣ Texting My “Safe People”

The loneliness of foster motherhood is real. But it doesn’t have to be absolute.

When I’m feeling stuck or heavy, I text a trusted friend or another foster mama:
“Hey, I’m having a rough day. Can you just remind me I’m not alone?”

Most of the time, that’s all it takes to feel a little more grounded.

---

6️⃣ Moving My Body — Even Just a Little

Trauma lives in the body. Stress does, too.

When I’m feeling frozen, I try to:

• Take a quick walk around the block

• Shake out my hands and shoulders

• Put on a favorite song and dance in the kitchen

It doesn’t have to be a workout — it just has to move the energy through.

---

7️⃣ Permission to Do Less

This one is the hardest — but maybe the most important.

Some days, calm looks like lowering the bar:

• Frozen pizza for dinner? Totally fine.

• Saying no to an event you’re dreading? Do it.

• Letting the house be messy for a day? It’ll survive.

You are a human, not a robot.
You are allowed to have limits.

---

The Power of Rituals

One thing I’ve noticed is that it’s easier to find calm when I have predictable rituals woven into my day. They don’t have to be elaborate or expensive. In fact, the simpler, the better.

Here are a few examples:
🌅 Morning: A quiet cup of coffee before anyone else wakes up.
🌿 Midday: A five-minute stretch break or a walk in the sun.
🌙 Night: Writing down 3 things I’m grateful for, even if it’s just “I survived today.”

Rituals create a rhythm that your nervous system can lean into — and in foster care, rhythm can be a lifeline.

---

When Calm Feels Out of Reach

I want to be honest: there are days when none of these tools feel like enough.
Days when the behaviors are too big, the system is too broken, and you’re just too tired.

On those days, my only goal is to be gentle with myself.
I remind myself:

• It’s okay to not feel okay.

• It’s okay to need help.

• It’s okay to not have the answers.

Calm isn’t something you earn by being perfect. It’s something you give yourself permission to find — even if just for a moment.

---

Why This Matters

You might be wondering: “Does this stuff really matter when the system is so hard and the trauma is so real?”

Here’s what I know:
When you take 5 minutes to breathe or text a friend or sit in the sun, you’re not ignoring the hard stuff — you’re building your capacity to face it.

Calm isn’t about denying the chaos.
It’s about creating a tiny island of peace in the middle of it.
It’s about remembering: you are allowed to feel safe, too.

---

Ready for More Support?

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I need this kind of calm — but I also need someone to walk with me as I learn how to find it,” I want to invite you to my Fearless Fostering Program.

Fearless Fostering is a 6-month program designed to help you:
🌟 Build trauma-informed tools you can actually use
🌟 Create boundaries and find your calm, even when the system is chaotic
🌟 Connect with other foster mamas who truly understand
🌟 Experience the deep support of a luxury retreat weekend — October 3-5th — just for you

We start July 1st, and this program only opens twice a year.
👉 Learn more and apply here!

You deserve to feel supported — not just as a foster mom, but as a whole person.

With love and belief in you,
Cathleen