As foster parents, we know that the journey can be full of twists and turns. One of the biggest — and often most gut-wrenching — is when a biological parent reenters the picture. Whether it’s after months of absence or years of complicated history, this moment can bring up a tidal wave of emotions: fear, hope, worry, even a sense of relief.

I’ve seen it many times in my work with foster and adoptive families, and I’ve felt it myself as a foster mom. It’s a moment that no one really prepares you for. So today, I want to unpack the complexities of this situation, share some trauma-informed insights, and offer practical guidance for navigating these uncharted waters.

The Emotional Rollercoaster

When the bio parent reemerges, everything can feel up in the air. Maybe you’ve been the primary caregiver for a while, and your foster child has finally found some sense of safety and routine in your home. Suddenly, there’s a new possibility on the horizon — reunification, increased visits, or even uncertainty around whether they’ll stay with you.

It’s normal to feel a whole mix of emotions:

• Worry about how the child will react.

• Frustration if you feel like the progress you’ve made will be undone.

• Sadness at the thought of possibly saying goodbye.

• Guilt for feeling sad when the child might be excited.

• Hope that reunification could be a positive outcome for everyone.

These feelings are valid. It’s okay to have them, even if they seem to clash with each other.

The Child’s Experience

For your child, this moment is also incredibly layered. Children in foster care often have a complicated relationship with their bio parents — even if the relationship was unsafe, there’s almost always a longing for connection. Kids may feel pulled in two directions: wanting to please you, their foster parent, while also wanting to be close to their biological parent.

You might see some of these reactions:

• Confusion and loyalty conflicts — feeling like they have to “choose” who to love.

• Behavioral changes — acting out, withdrawing, or regressing in skills.

• Big feelings — excitement, fear, anger, or a mix of all three.

This is where your trauma-informed lens becomes essential. Understanding that these reactions are normal — and not personal — can help you stay grounded as you support your child through this time.

How to Navigate the Transition

So how can you steady yourself and your child when the bio parent is back and it’s complicated? Here are some practical steps:

1. Validate your own feelings.
   Start by giving yourself permission to feel it all. Journaling or talking with a trusted friend or therapist can help you sort through the swirl of emotions. You’re not “bad” for feeling sad, protective, or even angry.

2. Stay in the moment.
   Instead of jumping to “What if they leave tomorrow?” or “What if the bio parent can’t follow through?”, stay focused on what’s happening right now. Are there visits this week? How did your child do after the last one? Taking it day by day can help you from getting overwhelmed.

3. Keep communication open (where safe and appropriate).
   If you have a relationship with the bio parent, keeping lines of communication respectful and open can help ease the child’s fears. Even a simple message like “I’m cheering you on in your visits” can show that you’re not trying to compete, but to support the child’s connection to their family.

4. Prepare for behaviors.
   After a visit, kids often need extra time to decompress. Be ready for meltdowns, clinginess, or testing behaviors. A calm, predictable environment can help them process the visit and feel safe again.

5. Use scripts and co-regulation tools.
   Trauma-informed phrases like:

   • “It’s okay to feel two things at once.”

   • “Your feelings are so important to me.”

   • “I’m here to help you feel safe no matter what.”
     … can be powerful in these moments.

6. Lean on your support system.
   Other foster parents, your agency, or a therapist can be lifelines when you’re feeling unsure. It’s okay to ask for extra support when things feel shaky.

What About the Long-Term?

The truth is, no one can predict exactly how this will play out. Sometimes a bio parent’s reentry leads to beautiful, healthy reunification. Other times, it’s a bumpy road that ends in disappointment. Holding space for both of those possibilities — while staying present with your child’s needs — is one of the hardest parts of foster parenting.

If reunification is the plan, you can support your child by:

• Framing it positively and honestly, using age-appropriate language.

• Helping them create a transition plan so they know what to expect.

• Staying open to co-parenting conversations if that’s safe and possible.

If reunification isn’t the outcome, your child still needs reassurance that it’s not their fault. So many kids internalize the idea that they weren’t “good enough” to go home. Your steady presence and words of affirmation can help rewrite that narrative.

Finding Your Own Support

It’s also okay — and important — to find support for yourself. Foster parenting can feel isolating, especially when you’re dealing with situations that no one else quite understands. Joining a group or working with a coach or therapist who specializes in foster care can give you the tools and perspective you need to keep showing up.

Final Thoughts

When the bio parent is back and it’s complicated, remember this: your feelings are valid. Your child’s feelings are valid. And you don’t have to figure it out alone.

Here’s what I always come back to when things feel really heavy:

• Connection is key. Even when you’re worried about what’s next, focus on building those small moments of connection with your child each day.

• You are not alone. There is a whole community of foster and adoptive parents who get it. Let them in.

• You’re doing enough. Truly. Even when you feel like you’re falling short, your consistent love and care are making a difference.

If you’d like more trauma-informed resources and community support, I invite you to apply now for the Fearless Fostering Program — a 6-month journey for foster and adoptive moms to feel seen, supported, and equipped for the long haul.

👉 Enrollment is open now! Click here to apply. Let’s walk this journey together.