Foster care is never linear. If you’re reading this, you probably already know that. You know the wild swings from hope to heartbreak, the late-night worries, the unspoken fears. You know how it can feel like everything is happening at once — or not at all.

And in the thick of all of that? There’s the messy middle.

It’s the part that doesn’t get as much attention:
✨ When the honeymoon phase of a new placement fades and the real work begins.
✨ When reunification plans shift and change, leaving everyone reeling.
✨ When your child’s trauma shows up in ways you didn’t see coming.
✨ When you’re doing everything you can — and it still doesn’t feel like enough.

This “messy middle” is where most of foster care actually happens. And it’s also where so many foster mamas feel stuck.

Today, I want to share why this season feels so hard, and some gentle, real-life ways to find your calm — even when it feels like the chaos will never end.

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Why the Messy Middle Feels So Hard

First, let’s name it: the messy middle is hard because it’s full of uncertainty.

At the beginning of a placement, there’s often a flurry of activity: home visits, setting up the room, getting to know each other. There’s nervous excitement, even in the stress.

At the end — whether it’s reunification, adoption, or another transition — there’s a clearer direction. It might be painful, but at least you know what’s coming.

But the middle? It’s just… murky.
You’re in it, day in and day out.

And you’re probably also:

• Balancing your child’s needs with your own family’s needs.

• Navigating the system — caseworkers, court dates, therapists.

• Managing the grief of what’s been lost.

• Wondering if you’re getting it “right.”

In the middle, it’s easy to feel like you’re spinning your wheels. Like no one really sees how hard you’re trying.

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What Calm Really Means in the Middle

Let’s get clear: “finding your calm” doesn’t mean ignoring the chaos. It doesn’t mean pretending you’re not scared or sad or frustrated.

Calm is not:
❌ Never feeling overwhelmed
❌ Having everything perfectly under control
❌ Always being patient and regulated

Calm is:
✅ Giving yourself permission to be human
✅ Finding small ways to ground yourself each day
✅ Knowing how to come back to your breath, your body, your own sense of safety

It’s not a permanent state. It’s a practice — one that you can build even in the messiest moments.

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Why Calm Matters in Foster Care

I know you might be thinking: “Does it really matter if I’m calm when there’s so much going on?”

Here’s what I’ve seen over and over again: Your calm is contagious.
When you can find a small sense of steadiness, your child can feel it, too.

Kids who’ve experienced trauma are often in a state of hypervigilance — always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Your calm helps them feel safe.

It also helps you. Because when you’re in survival mode all the time, your nervous system never gets a break. And you can’t pour from an empty cup.

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How to Find Your Calm (Even in the Middle of the Storm)

Here are some of the practices and mindsets that have helped me and so many other foster mamas I’ve worked with:

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1️⃣ Ground Yourself in the Here and Now

When everything feels overwhelming, come back to what’s real in this moment.

Try this:
🌿 Name 3 things you can see
🌿 Name 2 things you can feel
🌿 Name 1 thing you can hear

This 3-2-1 practice brings you out of the spiral of “what ifs” and back to the present.

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2️⃣ Create Tiny Rituals of Safety

Your brain and body need reminders that you’re safe, even when the world feels anything but.

Maybe that’s:
☕ A warm drink in the morning
🕯️ Lighting a candle and taking 3 deep breaths
📖 Reading a few pages of a book at night

These small rituals add up. They’re little signals to your nervous system: “We’re okay. We’re here.”

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3️⃣ Lower the Bar (Without Shame)

In the messy middle, it’s easy to feel like you’re not doing enough. But sometimes, calm comes from letting yourself off the hook.

What can you let go of today?

• A perfect dinner? (Frozen pizza is fine!)

• A spotless house? (Mess is part of life!)

• That extra volunteer role? (You’re allowed to say no.)

You don’t have to do it all. You don’t have to be everything to everyone.

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4️⃣ Stay Connected to Your “Why”

Why did you say yes to fostering? What’s the heart of this work for you?

Write it down. Say it out loud.

On the hard days, come back to this “why.” It doesn’t erase the pain, but it can help anchor you in what matters most.

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5️⃣ Lean on Your Support System

You don’t have to do this alone. Let yourself be held, too.

✅ Text a friend who understands.
✅ Join a support group or a coaching program.
✅ Let your partner or a trusted friend know what you need.

Connection is a powerful calm-builder. We’re not meant to carry this alone.

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My Own Experience in the Messy Middle

I’ll be honest: even with all the tools and reminders, I still have days when I feel like I’m drowning.

There was a time when we were in the middle of a placement, and everything felt so… uncertain. My foster daughter was acting out after visits, my bio kids were feeling the strain, and I was second-guessing every decision.

I remember one night, sitting in my car in the driveway, just breathing.
I realized: I can’t control the outcome. But I can control how I show up today.

That was my calm — not fixing it all, but choosing to be present, gentle, and loving in that moment.

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What I’ve Learned

Here’s what I’ve learned, again and again:
🌟 You don’t have to wait for everything to be perfect to find moments of calm.
🌟 You’re allowed to feel what you feel — no guilt, no shame.
🌟 You’re allowed to ask for help.

And most of all: calm isn’t about doing it “right.”
It’s about coming back to yourself, breath by breath.

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Ready to Find Your Calm, Too?

If you’re nodding along with this and thinking, “I need this kind of support,” I’d love to invite you to the Fearless Fostering program.

This isn’t just another group — it’s a trauma-informed space where you can:
✨ Find real calm, even in the chaos
✨ Build tools to support yourself and your kids
✨ Be part of a community that truly understands
✨ Take a break and reconnect at a luxury retreat weekend this fall

👉 Enrollment is open now — join us here!

You don’t have to do this alone. Let’s walk through the messy middle together — and find your calm, one breath at a time.

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With love and belief in you,
Cathleen