There’s a moment in nearly every foster mama’s journey that hits harder than expected.

It usually doesn’t happen during licensing classes or even during the first hours of welcoming a new child. It happens after a few days, when the adrenaline wears off and real life kicks in. When the child starts showing signs of trauma. When your biological kids start acting out. When the caseworker misses their visit or when the bio parent sends a letter that leaves you in tears. It’s then that you realize: no one prepared you for this.

If you’re there right now—or you remember it vividly—I want you to know you’re not alone. I created this post because I wish someone had sat me down before my first hard week and told me what to expect, what to ignore, and what to lean into. So here it is—my honest list of what I wish every foster mama knew before her first really tough week.

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1. Feeling overwhelmed doesn’t mean you’re failing

Let’s get this one out of the way first: foster parenting is hard.

Not “it’s kinda stressful” hard, but “this-is-breaking-my-heart-and-my-routine-at-the-same-time” hard. The systems are broken. The trauma is real. The expectations are sky-high and the support is often minimal.

So when you feel like you’re underwater emotionally or unsure how you’ll make it to bedtime, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom—it means you’re living a very real version of love that most people don’t understand.

Breathe. Cry if you need to. But know this: you are doing better than you think.

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2. You are allowed to grieve, even when you’re the helper

One of the most disorienting emotions foster mamas experience is grief—grief for the child’s story, grief for what your family dynamic used to be, grief for the lack of control you now feel in your own home.

And often, that grief is layered with guilt. “I signed up for this—why am I sad?” “I wanted to help—why do I feel like I’m losing something?”

You can be both. You can be the helper and the heartbroken. You can be the safe place and the scared one. There is room for all of it.

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3. You need a space to speak freely (without judgment)

Not every friend or family member will understand what you’re going through. They might say the wrong thing (“You knew what you were getting into”) or offer solutions that miss the point completely.

That’s why having a safe community of people who get it is everything. People who won’t flinch when you say, “I think I’m in over my head,” or, “I don’t know if I can do this long-term.”

If you don’t have that, find it—or better yet, build it. That’s why I created the Fearless Fostering program—because every foster mama deserves a place to feel seen, supported, and not judged for speaking her truth.

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4. You don’t need to do everything—just the next right thing

When a placement feels chaotic or emotional, the to-do list grows fast: make a therapy appointment, fill out the school paperwork, talk to your partner, cook dinner, give the bio mom an update… and don’t forget to do it all “with grace.”

Let’s be real: it’s too much.

On your hardest days, your only job is to do the next right thing. That might mean holding your foster child through a meltdown. It might mean texting your caseworker, “I need help.” It might mean taking 10 minutes to breathe in your car before walking back inside.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just need to stay present.

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5. You are not the only one who’s thought about quitting

This one’s for the foster mama who Googled “How to disrupt a placement” in the middle of the night.

Or the one who told her partner, “I can’t do this again” after the third child left.

Or the one who’s daydreamed about having a “normal” life again.

You’re not broken. You’re human. And many, many foster parents have had those thoughts—and still gone on to do beautiful, healing work in their homes.

The thought of quitting isn’t a sign of failure. It’s a sign that you need support. Ask for it. Take it. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

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6. You matter just as much as the child you’re caring for

The foster care system rarely centers foster parents. It’s all about the case, the child, the court. And while that’s understandable, it also leaves you in a place where your mental health, your needs, and your boundaries can feel invisible.

Let me remind you: you matter.

You deserve rest, therapy, time off, and fun. You deserve to say no. You deserve to ask for more support without guilt.

You are not a machine. You are a mother.

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7. Everything you’re feeling is normal—even the conflicting stuff

You love them… and you’re annoyed by them.

You want them to stay… and you’re counting down the days until court.

You feel attached… and afraid to attach more deeply.

Yes. Yes. And yes.

Foster care is built on emotional contradictions. The more you resist them, the harder it becomes. But the more you accept them—the more you normalize your humanness—the more peace you’ll feel in the mess.

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8. The system may disappoint you—but your compassion can’t be undone

This is hard to hear, but important to know: the system may fail you.

Caseworkers might be unresponsive. Judges might make baffling decisions. Reunifications might happen before a child is ready—or not at all, when they should.

You’ll be tempted to throw your hands up and ask, “What’s the point?”

But here’s the truth: every kind moment you offer, every safe bedtime, every time you sit with a child in pain—that matters. That can’t be undone. That is never wasted.

You’re not just navigating a system. You’re shaping a soul.

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9. You can’t do it all, but you don’t have to do it alone

This is your invitation to stop white-knuckling your way through foster care.

You don’t need to be the strongest, calmest, most well-prepared version of yourself every day. You just need to be open to receiving support—from your people, your community, your therapist, and programs designed to hold space for you.

If no one’s told you this lately: you’re allowed to need help. And you’re allowed to get it.

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10. You deserve a place to be poured into—not just poured out

That’s what the Fearless Fostering program was created for. It’s a 6-month trauma-informed group support experience for foster mamas who are tired of doing this work alone.

It includes:

• Twice-monthly group calls to process what’s coming up for you

• A private Marco Polo chat for in-the-moment connection

• A luxury weekend retreat to rest, reset, and be poured into deeply

• Lifetime community access after the program ends

This is more than support. It’s transformation. It’s healing. And it’s happening now.

👉 Click here to apply for Fearless Fostering

Enrollment is open for just a short time. If your heart is telling you it’s time to stop white-knuckling this journey—listen. I’m here and ready for you.

Foster care is one of the most sacred and stretching experiences you’ll ever have. But you were never meant to do it alone. Whether you’re in your first hard week or your fiftieth, there is support waiting for you—and strength within you.

You’re not behind. You’re not broken. You’re brave.

And you’re exactly the kind of mama this world needs.